I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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