I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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