Ketchup is God's man juice
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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