Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
