I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
