she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
