is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
