You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
