My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize