I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
