my shit smells like andre
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Less talking, more tequila
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
