and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
