dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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