If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize