her vagina looked like bernie madoff
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
