Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
