My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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