The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize