I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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