i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
