Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
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