this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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