remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
