hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
