I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
