oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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