I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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