There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
