Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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