i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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