five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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