I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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