I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
my liver is dry heaving
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
