M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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