I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize