You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize