My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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