hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
