is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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