You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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