We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
