can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
