she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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