well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
