running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
