Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
