Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
