So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
