We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
