omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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