sarcasm needs its own font
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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