Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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