At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
