I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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