My hand turned me down
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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