He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
