I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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