I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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