I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
