Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
