considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
