But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
