It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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