R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
