I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
