I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
