New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Randomize
