What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
