I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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